Raised under a rock

The Web can be a wonderful resource. But, it is not the all-knowing Great Wizard of Oz for your kitchen. One also needs common sense.

I dreamt up a masterpiece while grocery shopping today. I have never before had a thing for caramel. But, as I passed multiple sale displays for candy bars, I kept imagining a triple-layered-gooey-fudge cake oozing with hot caramel and toped with cherries. The only problem with this fantasy was that I didn’t have a clue where to begin to look for caramel. What exactly is caramel?

I needed help. So, I called a friend from the center of the beer aisle only to get mired in a shouting match about how to pronounce caramel. (I say care-a-mel, he says car-mal). Still lost, I journeyed home to ask the Great Wizard. According to Wikipedia, caramel can be made by slowly melting sugar in a pan at low heat. This will cause the sugar’s molecular structure to break down -- leaving you with a thick and sweet golden molasses.

Let me assure you that the caramel you and I are thinking of (yummy, gooey, melty-cake-layer-of-golden-goo caramel) cannot be made by simply leaving sugar in a saucepan for hours. But, you can transform a brand new saucepan into a big brown brick in this manner.

Did you know that you can buy caramel in a can? Nothing from my Google searches told me this. But, while airing out my apartment after Caramel Trial #1; several neighbors, four friends, and one sardonic mother did. So, with far more important projects to attend to, I headed back to the grocery store.

There it sat in the baking aisle at eye level: a can of caramel. I picked up the can and slowly turned it around. “Ingredients: butter, milk, glycerin…” Oh, this is not going in my vegan kitchen, I thought. These were followed by the names of chemicals that I would not put in my oven to clean it. This can made me more fearful of toxic exposure than an archaeology dig in southern New Jersey.

On Vegweb, I found suggestions to bake a dizzying array of ingredients (not available in my supermarket) in a pie pan for hours. One reader commented: This is quite possibly the biggest unsuccess I have EVER had .... what I had was a pasty substance that tasted something like slightly sweet, soy-ey cornmeal. I decided this entry would not suit my needs.

I kept searching for “vegan caramel.” But, every recipe I found included a lot of rum. Since I could not recall ever seeing Bacardi in the list of ingredients in a Twix bar, I headed back to Wikipedia: The word caramel also describes a soft, chewy, caramel-flavored candy made by boiling milk, sugar, butter, oil, syrup, vanilla essence, water, and glucose gum together.

I decided to move on to my own experiment: Caramel Trial #2. I grabbed my sole remaining saucepan and marched into my kitchenette with a crazed look that sent the dog scurrying. I melted some non-dairy margarine with unbleached sugar. It began to bubble. I added soymilk and vanilla extract. After it cooled… I had caramel. Amazingly simple. Chad, add me to your list of those who should be removed from the earth.

Now, I just need to go appliance shopping for a new mixer.